Excellent advice PJ & Thomas. I might add that I imagine the wife is embarrassed by all this. She may feel this reflects on her. I have been a gay activist since the 1970s. I recommend a couple of groups for consideration. There is the Gay and Married Men's Association (GAMMA) that has been around for decades. They have members who have been in this exact situation and who likely can suggest local resources, and be a group of friends. If anyone, they'd know exactly what the husband is going through.
Secondly, do not forget PFLAG. They have connections to many groups and organizations, and local chapters that can help both the wife and the husband on this journey.
While the husband, as you said, has been soul-searching probably for years, the wife has been hit broadside. How she reacts is unpredictable. She needs help adjusting to all this, as well. Certainly, in my years of work, I have encountered numerous such situations, with a gamut of reactions.
Finally, it would be nice to have a face-to-face with the son and DIL, but if he cannot go West, perhaps they can come East, although finding the time to keep the wife away in a F2F, on either coast, is problematic.
Thank you so much for this thoughtful comment, Charles, and for the incredible work you’ve done over the years. We really appreciate the reminder that this kind of experience affects everyone involved, and that the wife may be reacting out of shock, fear, or even shame. Your suggestions — GAMMA and PFLAG — are such valuable resources, and we’re so grateful you shared them here. This is exactly why we wanted to start Ask Away — so folks could learn from each other and feel a little less alone. Thank you for being part of that!!!
PJ and Thomas , great advice. I went through a similar situation at 45. I was married with no kids. I finally realized I needed to ask for a divorce for my wife's sake as well as mine. I was Catholic and as often happens to Gay Catholics, pressured to be married in a straight relationship. Big mistake probably still happening today. My relatives did not take this well. My parents loved my wife and rightfully so as she is a wonderful woman. BUT, to thine own self be true needs to be a part of everyone's life !
I would suggest this gentleman speak with a well qualified, gay therapist. This helped me considerably!!! I also believe it's great to make friends but not to jump into a relationship thinking it will lead to a long term commitment. I jumped and learned the hard way. Hopefully his son will understand and be supportive. BUT, if not, life goes on .
Thank you so much for sharing your story with us — and with everyone reading. It means a lot. You’re absolutely right: “To thine own self be true” really should be a guiding principle for all of us, no matter our age or stage in life. We’re so glad you were able to take those brave steps, even when the road was painful and complicated. And thank you for mentioning therapy — that’s such an important resource, especially with someone who truly understands the unique experience of coming out later in life. Your wisdom and honesty here are such a gift, and we know others reading will feel less alone because of your words. We’re cheering you on, always!!
Beautiful advice. I’m so happy he is ready to be his authentic self but my heart aches for his situation. I can’t imagine what that is like but I am sending so much love his way. I hope he finds the support he needs and that he is able to talk to his son.
I hope he submits a follow up so we know he is okay. ❤️ This is such a beautiful community you two have built on Substack. I’m so thankful to have found it.
Pj and Thomas, I love your answer. It is sensitive, empathetic and heartfelt. This gentleman is still young and deserves to live his life as he wishes. I hope he is able to connect with his son and daughter-in-law soon. He may need to do some planning ahead. I sincerely wish him good luck going forward in his quest to live a meaningful life.
To PJ and Thomas: Wow! What a powerful message to share as part of your first issue of Ask Away. Your response is so beautifully written...warm, caring, and compassionate. I hope your advice will give our friend some peace and comfort as he decides what steps to take next. I completely agree that it is never too late to live an authentic life.
To Mr. Anonymous: Please know that this little Substack community is sending you SO much love and support as you continue along this journey to be your true self. Whether you meet with your son and daughter-in-law in person or over Facetime, my hope is that they become your biggest allies. You deserve to be happy and loved. 💕
Thank you, Colleen! We were so moved by his letter and feel honored he trusted us (and this community!) with his story. Your words are exactly the kind of warmth and encouragement we hoped this column would invite. We’re right there with you in sending him so much love and strength as he takes these brave steps toward living more fully and freely. 💛
Your advice is well-balanced insofar as supporting either option for your reader. That seems to be the best way to go. Most importantly is the fact that you support whatever choice he makes personally and reassure him that people are around to give him any additional support he may want. The fact that he'll see that when he reads all the comments already generated by his posting is immeasurable help from the getgo (I'm reading and agreeing with Thomas Nooft's suggestion about a gay therapist). Thanks for giving this man his initial "voice."
The acceptance of same sex marriage in recent years has save many heartbreaking situations like this one. People should live their lives the way that nurtures their soul. Start out on the right track and you won’t get derailed in middle age and have to adjust or start again.
I feel for both the husband and wife in this situation. The gentleman has buried his real self for years, and admitting who he really is has turned his whole world upside down. The wife thought she had a certain kind of marriage, even though it seems that she is not very happy in that marriage. Her world also has been turned upside down. As a woman, I can sympathize with her concerns, I don't understand the part about not telling anyone. Looking in from the outside, I think that when they get through this life change both of them have an opportunity for real happiness.
There’s a lot to navigate here. You’ll have to decide what is right for you, not what is right for us telling you what we think is right for you — or for this situation. 🧭
Advice is a thought-provoking process. Give yourself time to ruminate. 🕊️ In all of our voices, finding your voice is the most — the most — important part of it. And that voice can change. 🔄
I liked the response about finding a group to communicate with: Gay and Married Men’s Association (GAMMA). 🗣️👬
Friendship in the gay community is one of the most valuable aspects. 🌈 And you can be friends, too, with many guys who do things completely differently than you would — in ways that are right for them but not necessarily right for you. Big distinction! ⚖️
Daniel, this is so beautifully said — thank you. You’re absolutely right: advice can only go so far if it doesn’t leave room for the person receiving it to find their own voice in the process. We love what you said about friendship too — how meaningful and expansive it can be, especially within the gay community. And yes, that key reminder that what’s right for one person might not be right for another — but that doesn’t make either path less valid. So grateful you took the time to share this. 🕊️🌈
Hi boys, as you are so much younger than my 71, I feel you are just young men/boys with so much knowledge, humanity, love and down to earth advice.
Before I forget, after all I do have “old ages” deterioration, did my parcel of wooden goodies arrive car your Cleveland post office. I was meant to be able to track its progress but found I could donut successfully.
Thomas’ birthday this week, I think either on Palm Sunday or Easter Day, corresponding to the real start of Spring. I hope the day either went well or is hoping to ho well!
We had to ye first of our Holy Week services last week and culminated on Sunday with our Easter celebration.
I will not be able to join in tomorrow and Sunday as I had to be admitted to the Cardiac Unit on the way home today.
Such a pain in my scheduling plans and no idea when I get out. At least I had my phone with me and hospital have been able to find a charger, so I still am able to communicate with friends, and read your many messages! May able to see your next video if I still am here.
All my thanks for getting fall into your videos, messages and connections. I feel like a fly on the wall watching you and your family navigate through your life in Ocoona and Cleveland, and learn so much of real USA by such caring and thoughtful people that we never see on news items these days.
Warmest blessings and best wishes to you all, Thomas, PJ, Allan, Riah and beautiful Anna.
“Long before colonization, many societies across the Americas, Africa, and India 🌎 embraced same-sex relationships and diverse gender identities without shame. It was only with the arrival of colonial powers — often invoking so-called religious teachings — that new ideas of guilt and rejection were imposed where there had once been a natural acceptance of many forms of loving relationships 💕.
Making people feel ashamed about same-sex love is, in fact, a relatively modern construct — one that historically wasn’t even on the radar 📜 of many earlier cultures.
In many places, there wasn’t even a separate word for being ‘gay’ — it was simply part of life. Even in classical Middle Eastern poetry, passionate same-sex love was celebrated openly, seen simply as another expression of the heart.”
Excellent advice PJ & Thomas. I might add that I imagine the wife is embarrassed by all this. She may feel this reflects on her. I have been a gay activist since the 1970s. I recommend a couple of groups for consideration. There is the Gay and Married Men's Association (GAMMA) that has been around for decades. They have members who have been in this exact situation and who likely can suggest local resources, and be a group of friends. If anyone, they'd know exactly what the husband is going through.
Secondly, do not forget PFLAG. They have connections to many groups and organizations, and local chapters that can help both the wife and the husband on this journey.
While the husband, as you said, has been soul-searching probably for years, the wife has been hit broadside. How she reacts is unpredictable. She needs help adjusting to all this, as well. Certainly, in my years of work, I have encountered numerous such situations, with a gamut of reactions.
Finally, it would be nice to have a face-to-face with the son and DIL, but if he cannot go West, perhaps they can come East, although finding the time to keep the wife away in a F2F, on either coast, is problematic.
I wish them both the best.
Thank you so much for this thoughtful comment, Charles, and for the incredible work you’ve done over the years. We really appreciate the reminder that this kind of experience affects everyone involved, and that the wife may be reacting out of shock, fear, or even shame. Your suggestions — GAMMA and PFLAG — are such valuable resources, and we’re so grateful you shared them here. This is exactly why we wanted to start Ask Away — so folks could learn from each other and feel a little less alone. Thank you for being part of that!!!
PJ and Thomas , great advice. I went through a similar situation at 45. I was married with no kids. I finally realized I needed to ask for a divorce for my wife's sake as well as mine. I was Catholic and as often happens to Gay Catholics, pressured to be married in a straight relationship. Big mistake probably still happening today. My relatives did not take this well. My parents loved my wife and rightfully so as she is a wonderful woman. BUT, to thine own self be true needs to be a part of everyone's life !
I would suggest this gentleman speak with a well qualified, gay therapist. This helped me considerably!!! I also believe it's great to make friends but not to jump into a relationship thinking it will lead to a long term commitment. I jumped and learned the hard way. Hopefully his son will understand and be supportive. BUT, if not, life goes on .
Thank you so much for sharing your story with us — and with everyone reading. It means a lot. You’re absolutely right: “To thine own self be true” really should be a guiding principle for all of us, no matter our age or stage in life. We’re so glad you were able to take those brave steps, even when the road was painful and complicated. And thank you for mentioning therapy — that’s such an important resource, especially with someone who truly understands the unique experience of coming out later in life. Your wisdom and honesty here are such a gift, and we know others reading will feel less alone because of your words. We’re cheering you on, always!!
Thank you PJ and Thomas.
Beautiful advice. I’m so happy he is ready to be his authentic self but my heart aches for his situation. I can’t imagine what that is like but I am sending so much love his way. I hope he finds the support he needs and that he is able to talk to his son.
I hope he submits a follow up so we know he is okay. ❤️ This is such a beautiful community you two have built on Substack. I’m so thankful to have found it.
and we are SO thankful for you, as well. we love seeing your name pop up in the comment section, Rhonda!!! xoxo
Pj and Thomas, I love your answer. It is sensitive, empathetic and heartfelt. This gentleman is still young and deserves to live his life as he wishes. I hope he is able to connect with his son and daughter-in-law soon. He may need to do some planning ahead. I sincerely wish him good luck going forward in his quest to live a meaningful life.
we hope so, too!!! hugs to you, Sue xo
To PJ and Thomas: Wow! What a powerful message to share as part of your first issue of Ask Away. Your response is so beautifully written...warm, caring, and compassionate. I hope your advice will give our friend some peace and comfort as he decides what steps to take next. I completely agree that it is never too late to live an authentic life.
To Mr. Anonymous: Please know that this little Substack community is sending you SO much love and support as you continue along this journey to be your true self. Whether you meet with your son and daughter-in-law in person or over Facetime, my hope is that they become your biggest allies. You deserve to be happy and loved. 💕
Thank you, Colleen! We were so moved by his letter and feel honored he trusted us (and this community!) with his story. Your words are exactly the kind of warmth and encouragement we hoped this column would invite. We’re right there with you in sending him so much love and strength as he takes these brave steps toward living more fully and freely. 💛
Heartfelt words of wisdom. People need to do what’s right for them.
completely agree! at the end of the day, that is what's most important
Go, McKays, go! Good advice from the heart and the head. Empathy for the win. Cheers!
Thank you, Clint!! xoxo
You’re most welcome, gents!
Your advice is well-balanced insofar as supporting either option for your reader. That seems to be the best way to go. Most importantly is the fact that you support whatever choice he makes personally and reassure him that people are around to give him any additional support he may want. The fact that he'll see that when he reads all the comments already generated by his posting is immeasurable help from the getgo (I'm reading and agreeing with Thomas Nooft's suggestion about a gay therapist). Thanks for giving this man his initial "voice."
aww, Jim! I do hope he finds some comfort in the comments others have left, too.
The acceptance of same sex marriage in recent years has save many heartbreaking situations like this one. People should live their lives the way that nurtures their soul. Start out on the right track and you won’t get derailed in middle age and have to adjust or start again.
"in a way that nurtures their soul" I love that!
I feel for both the husband and wife in this situation. The gentleman has buried his real self for years, and admitting who he really is has turned his whole world upside down. The wife thought she had a certain kind of marriage, even though it seems that she is not very happy in that marriage. Her world also has been turned upside down. As a woman, I can sympathize with her concerns, I don't understand the part about not telling anyone. Looking in from the outside, I think that when they get through this life change both of them have an opportunity for real happiness.
I couldn't agree more, Kathy. that's a good perspective.
There’s a lot to navigate here. You’ll have to decide what is right for you, not what is right for us telling you what we think is right for you — or for this situation. 🧭
Advice is a thought-provoking process. Give yourself time to ruminate. 🕊️ In all of our voices, finding your voice is the most — the most — important part of it. And that voice can change. 🔄
I liked the response about finding a group to communicate with: Gay and Married Men’s Association (GAMMA). 🗣️👬
Friendship in the gay community is one of the most valuable aspects. 🌈 And you can be friends, too, with many guys who do things completely differently than you would — in ways that are right for them but not necessarily right for you. Big distinction! ⚖️
I wish you well. 🌟
Daniel, this is so beautifully said — thank you. You’re absolutely right: advice can only go so far if it doesn’t leave room for the person receiving it to find their own voice in the process. We love what you said about friendship too — how meaningful and expansive it can be, especially within the gay community. And yes, that key reminder that what’s right for one person might not be right for another — but that doesn’t make either path less valid. So grateful you took the time to share this. 🕊️🌈
Hi boys, as you are so much younger than my 71, I feel you are just young men/boys with so much knowledge, humanity, love and down to earth advice.
Before I forget, after all I do have “old ages” deterioration, did my parcel of wooden goodies arrive car your Cleveland post office. I was meant to be able to track its progress but found I could donut successfully.
Thomas’ birthday this week, I think either on Palm Sunday or Easter Day, corresponding to the real start of Spring. I hope the day either went well or is hoping to ho well!
We had to ye first of our Holy Week services last week and culminated on Sunday with our Easter celebration.
I will not be able to join in tomorrow and Sunday as I had to be admitted to the Cardiac Unit on the way home today.
Such a pain in my scheduling plans and no idea when I get out. At least I had my phone with me and hospital have been able to find a charger, so I still am able to communicate with friends, and read your many messages! May able to see your next video if I still am here.
All my thanks for getting fall into your videos, messages and connections. I feel like a fly on the wall watching you and your family navigate through your life in Ocoona and Cleveland, and learn so much of real USA by such caring and thoughtful people that we never see on news items these days.
Warmest blessings and best wishes to you all, Thomas, PJ, Allan, Riah and beautiful Anna.
Have a fabulous Eastertide.
🫶🙏❤️, John Griffin-Milker
“Long before colonization, many societies across the Americas, Africa, and India 🌎 embraced same-sex relationships and diverse gender identities without shame. It was only with the arrival of colonial powers — often invoking so-called religious teachings — that new ideas of guilt and rejection were imposed where there had once been a natural acceptance of many forms of loving relationships 💕.
Making people feel ashamed about same-sex love is, in fact, a relatively modern construct — one that historically wasn’t even on the radar 📜 of many earlier cultures.
In many places, there wasn’t even a separate word for being ‘gay’ — it was simply part of life. Even in classical Middle Eastern poetry, passionate same-sex love was celebrated openly, seen simply as another expression of the heart.”