“Regardless of What My Wife Says…”
Ask Away Issue No. 1
Hi! How was your weekend? We spent ours battling a stomach bug that hit three out of five people in our house. Luckily today, everyone is better and things are back to normal-ish. And just in time! It’s absolutely beautiful here in Tennessee! The kind of perfect spring day where you feel more relaxed just by stepping outside into the sunshine and feeling the breeze hit your face.
I’m letting out a big exhale as we speak.
We are so excited, because today is our first issue of Ask Away, our new advice column here on Okay McKay! We received many thoughtful, insightful, and beautiful questions, and will be answering all of them in the coming weeks. We’re not experts on anything, and these are just our honest responses. You may agree with them and you may not, but as always, we would love to discuss in the comments, if you’re up for it.
Okay! Here we go with Ask Away Issue No. 1.
Dear PJ & Thomas,
I’m a mid 60 year old man. I’m married and have a grown married son. My problem is that a few years ago, quite a few years ago, I admitted to myself that I was gay. I’m finding it very difficult to come out, but deep in my heart it is what I want to do. My problem is how? My son and his wife live three thousand miles away in the west coast. I feel I need to talk to them face to face. Now, I did come out to my wife and let me tell you that sis not go well. She told me that I better not tell anyone else or I would be sorry. She asked me to just stay with her and leave things the way they are. Which meant that I couldn’t go out to even try to meet a man. At this point in my life, I want to meet a man for friendship, if anything else comes of it, that would be great. As for my son and daughter in law, regardless of what my wife says, I will talk to them about all this. I feel I must do it in person, I’m trying to book a trip to go out and see them. There’s only one problem my wife controls all our money and of course won’t let me let me use my debit card to pay for the trip. There are other factors making it difficult for me to make the trip, but War and Peace would be a shorter read. Do I just face time my son and his wife while my wife goes out shopping, or do I just wait it out until I can get out to California to see them? I truly trust you both and any advice you could give me.
-Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
First of all: we’re so proud of you. Truly. You have done one of the hardest things a person can do — you’ve looked inward, named something big and true, and said: This is who I am. That alone is something to celebrate! You’ve already crossed the biggest mountain. What’s next is figuring out how to move forward in a way that honors your truth — and your safety.
Let’s talk about your wife first. Her reaction sounds painful, controlling, and deeply unfair. You deserve to be in a relationship where you are not only accepted but allowed to live freely. No matter how long you’ve been married, no matter what you’ve shared, it is not okay for someone to hold power over your life like this. Love doesn’t mean locking someone in place — it means setting them free. Her request to “leave things the way they are” may feel like stability to her, but to you, it’s a quiet, constant heartbreak. And you don’t have to keep carrying that.
Now, about coming out to your son and daughter-in-law. We think your instinct is right. If seeing them in person feels essential to you, then that’s valid. Sometimes things this tender need eye contact, a hug, a quiet moment on the couch to land the way they’re meant to. But it’s also okay if you don’t want to wait. If the trip feels impossible right now because of the financial control you mentioned, then giving yourself permission to not wait for the perfect moment might be the most loving thing you can do for yourself. You’ve waited long enough.
And, a FaceTime call can still hold warmth! It can still be meaningful. It can still change your life. If you trust them — and it sounds like you do — we believe they’ll receive your truth with love. Your honesty may even deepen your bond.
And finally, we want to say this clearly: it is never too late to live an authentic life. Never. You deserve connection, companionship, friendship, love — whatever form that takes for you. Whether it’s finding a man to share a coffee with or someone to hold your hand in the evenings, you get to choose what your next chapter looks like. You are not alone. And you are allowed to want more.
Whatever you decide — FaceTime now or wait until California — know that we’re rooting for you. And we believe the life you’re dreaming about is not only possible…it’s waiting for you.
Love,
PJ & Thomas
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Excellent advice PJ & Thomas. I might add that I imagine the wife is embarrassed by all this. She may feel this reflects on her. I have been a gay activist since the 1970s. I recommend a couple of groups for consideration. There is the Gay and Married Men's Association (GAMMA) that has been around for decades. They have members who have been in this exact situation and who likely can suggest local resources, and be a group of friends. If anyone, they'd know exactly what the husband is going through.
Secondly, do not forget PFLAG. They have connections to many groups and organizations, and local chapters that can help both the wife and the husband on this journey.
While the husband, as you said, has been soul-searching probably for years, the wife has been hit broadside. How she reacts is unpredictable. She needs help adjusting to all this, as well. Certainly, in my years of work, I have encountered numerous such situations, with a gamut of reactions.
Finally, it would be nice to have a face-to-face with the son and DIL, but if he cannot go West, perhaps they can come East, although finding the time to keep the wife away in a F2F, on either coast, is problematic.
I wish them both the best.
PJ and Thomas , great advice. I went through a similar situation at 45. I was married with no kids. I finally realized I needed to ask for a divorce for my wife's sake as well as mine. I was Catholic and as often happens to Gay Catholics, pressured to be married in a straight relationship. Big mistake probably still happening today. My relatives did not take this well. My parents loved my wife and rightfully so as she is a wonderful woman. BUT, to thine own self be true needs to be a part of everyone's life !
I would suggest this gentleman speak with a well qualified, gay therapist. This helped me considerably!!! I also believe it's great to make friends but not to jump into a relationship thinking it will lead to a long term commitment. I jumped and learned the hard way. Hopefully his son will understand and be supportive. BUT, if not, life goes on .