I Don't Look Like This Anymore
On how my body has changed over the last 4 years, if we would ever do another design show again, and what we're watching this week.
Hi!!! Ahhhhh welcome to the first issue ever of Okay McKay! Thomas here. I can’t tell you how excited I am that you’re here right now. I am so nervous and excited that my stomach is in knots. I really think you’re going to like this newsletter and what we share in it.
Speaking of what we’re sharing, this week’s issue is filled with interesting links, Q&A’s, and TR: an essay on body image. I am starting this newsletter off by getting personal, so if you would prefer not to read that part, keep scrolling and check out the rest of the issue. Newsletters going forward will have a more feel-good vibe to them, but I wanted to share something that I never have before, so there’s a little context for today’s content.
As a quick reminder, there will be a total of four issues going out each month. One issue a month will feature personal essays like this, and one will feature interviews with fellow bloggers and content creators, both of which will be reserved for paying subscribers (except for today’s!). The other two issues will be free and include what we’ve been up to for the week and fun links from around the web. If you would like to upgrade to a paid subscriber to get access to all 4 issues, click here.
Okay! Put on your comfy clothes, grab a glass of whatever, and let’s catch up on the week…
TR: This post deals with body image.
I hate working out. That feels like a good place to start. I have always had a complicated relationship with fitness, my body, and honestly body image in general. That probably sounds strange coming from a person who shares their life pretty openly online, including having posted shirtless photos of myself over the years. I have never talked about this before, but this community feels like the right place to discuss matters like this.
No matter how in shape I have been over the years, or how out of shape for that matter, I have more or less always felt the same about my body (meaning, I have never really been happy with it). Even in the photo above, taken when I was thinner, I used to look at that picture and think I wish was stomach was smaller and my abs were more defined. Growing up, I went through a chubby phase in middle school and when I got to high school I had lost it all and was smaller. One of my good friends at the time described my body as “someone who looks like they used to work out but doesn’t anymore.” Charming, right? Not 100% sure what he meant by that, but I took it as I don’t have as “good” of a body as I should.
I have always felt more comfortable with clothes on, in particular, clothes that cover as much of my body as possible. Oversized sweaters? Yes please. Turtlenecks? You betcha. Meanwhile, PJ has always felt more comfortable doing the exact opposite. He almost never wears a shirt at home, and we sometimes make the conscious decision for him to put a shirt on when we’re filming something so it’s not too much skin. It’s just how we’re both wired differently, I suppose.
As for working out, it’s something I have never personally enjoyed. I feel fortunate to have a workout partner in PJ, and we go to the gym together, Monday through Friday, motivating each other if either of us doesn’t feel like going that day. So that is very, very nice, but working out as a whole just doesn’t do it for me. For many, fitness is a form of therapy and self-care. When PJ is stressed, he works out or goes for a run to handle it, and he always feels a million times better when he’s finished. I wish I was like that.
For me, working out is hard and time consuming and just leaves me feeling…tired. I rarely get the endorphins everyone always talks about after a workout. And then always having to switch up your workout routine so you don’t plateau sounds daunting and overwhelming. The whole thing is, as I am sure you’re gathering, just a lot for me for some reason. It always has been.
But do you know the one thing I do actually love about working out? Seeing results. It may take months, but the first time you actually start seeing a difference in your body and your mind, it all becomes worth it. All the sweat and the talks you have to give yourself in order to get in the gym and all the sore muscles and achey joints are all worth it, even for just the smallest visible result. So that has become my biggest motivator the last few months. I am finally starting to notice a change in my body and it’s been really fun to see.
But why do I care so much? Why am I even writing this? Shouldn’t we all stop focusing on what’s on the outside and start paying more attention to what’s on the inside? I think yes and no. We all struggle with body issues at some point in our lives, and talking about it or not talking about it doesn’t make that struggle go away. But I believe discussing it in a safe space can be helpful, for both the writer and the reader.
Sharing vulnerable aspects of yourself for others to see/read/relate to has the power to make the world feel a little smaller. Sometimes it feels like you’re the only one feeling or going through something, when in reality you’re almost always one of many. That’s probably my favorite thing about the Internet: There is a whole world out there waiting to relate to you on a deeply personal level, and in the process, can help you with whatever you may be struggling with.
I can’t pinpoint exactly when I started to gain weight. It was for sure after the pandemic had started and was in its second year, so maybe 2021. We had, up until March of 2020, maintained a regular gym schedule. It went into decline a tad after our kids came to live with us, but for the most part, we ate healthy and worked out a few times a week. But when the pandemic hit, we canceled our gym membership. And then we found ourselves dealing with the stress of everything in life and began ending every day eating cheese sticks and drinking wine on the couch while watching TV. It became our routine, a dangerous and unsustainable routine that we fell into for almost a year.
And then the comments slowly started to roll in. People would see photos of us online and watch our videos on YouTube, and I guess would see the weight gain in my face and body, and would ask if something was going on with me. As if I didn’t see the change in myself in the mirror, suddenly others were noticing it, too. Since taking and posting photos is a big part of our career, I had become good at posing a certain way to hide what I didn’t want anyone else to see. Tilting my head to a certain angle so that it appeared slimmer; turning my body sideways or sucking in to make my stomach smaller. But others were noticing the weight I had put on, and it became harder and harder to hide it, particularly in the photo below which received the following comment from a reader:
Since the pandemic started, I have gained a little over 30 lbs. I think it’s a combination of factors. I was 29 in March of 2020 when it started and I don’t think my metabolism is what it used to be, so age is most likely a cause. My eating (and drinking) habits changed when the pandemic hit, and not for the better. I also stopped working out for about two years. So all of that combined, I think, is what lead to the weight gain. I just didn’t feel like myself anymore. But most of all, I think I didn’t like what I knew deep down the weight gain represented: Unhealthy eating and drinking habits and not being active, which is especially dangerous for me because I have always struggled with high cholesterol and blood pressure. We would fill our bodies with junk food at night after the kids went to bed in an attempt to forget about the struggles and stress of dealing with a global pandemic, and I went from having one glass of wine two times a week to having one to two glasses almost every night. On top of that, there would be days during that time where we didn’t leave the house. And then once the pandemic was over, I found it hard to find the motivation to get back into the gym after settling into that routine for almost two years.
Now, however, I have made a commitment since January to do my best to workout as often as I can, to cut back on my wine intake, and to live an overall healthier lifestyle. It’s been a challenge and I haven’t always been consistent, but I take it day by day and it feels less overwhelming that way. Maybe one day I will get to the point where working out is a stress reliever for me, but for now, I still don’t particularly enjoy it. I will say, though, that on the days where we don’t make it to the gym, I do feel off. Like my routine is off and I don’t really like that, either. So as of now, it is very much a love/hate relationship with working out.
In the newsletters I will be releasing for the rest of the year, once a month will be a personal essay like this. In the next one, I will discuss the progress I have made/seen since working out this year and maybe even share a photo. I got to where I didn’t like taking photos with my shirt off and I am just getting that confidence back.
Thank you for reading this! It feels good to finally share this as it’s been on my mind for over a year. I feel comfortable sharing it in this safe space and I’m so glad you’re here with us.
Okay! Here’s the rest of this week’s issue!
Watching: The Super Models
I have been waiting for this show since it was announced, and even though it kind of left me wanting more, overall it did not disappoint. You get a fascinating peak behind the curtain of the meteoric rise of Linda Evangelista, Cindy Crawford, Naomi Campbell, and Christy Turlington told from the point of view of both the Supers themselves and other fashion industry icons, like Mark Jacobs and Michael Kors. I loved hearing this powerful women talk about their lives then and where they’re at now. It’s quite fascinating how they were the original “influencers”. You can watch it on Apple TV+.
Reading: The Millennial Vernacular of Fatphobia
Anne Helen Peterson, who writes the wonderful newsletter Culture Study, goes in depth about just how messed up the media was in the 90s and early 2000s when it came to body image, especially how they depicted women’s bodies. It’s a great read, but comes with the content warning of: “This post discusses body image, diet culture, and disordered eating” so keep that in mind before you dive in!
Listening to: Autumn Variations
Ed Sheeran’s new album is the perfect way to kick off the fall season. I’ve been listening to it when driving out to the farm and it’s been the best backdrop as I look at all the changing leaves outside the windows.
Q: “Would you do a design show now? If the opportunity came up?”
A: We get this question from time to time and it’s always fun to consider. We don’t ever talk about this, but we’ve been in talks for another show ever since our last one aired (our pilot “Down to the Studs” aired on HGTV in the summer of 2017 but didn’t get picked up for a full season) with various production companies, but it has never worked out. We have been pitched to HGTV, Magnolia, and just about every other network out there. I think that if the timing was right and it was the perfect concept/setup for us, we would. We’re so happy and content with what we’re doing in life right now, and a show would definitely disrupt that, so it would have to be very enticing for us to stop everything we’re doing at this moment and commit to months of filming. The pilot we shot was a lot, but we don’t have to get into that right now :).
Q: “How do you all budget your time to be with the kids vs. with each other?”
A: We’re in a unique position of getting to work together all day every day, which can be so much fun but also taxing on a relationship. So in reality, we actually spend a lot of time together throughout the day. But I am thinking you’re meaning quality time with each other, and in that case, we always make a point to hang out together after the kids go to bed. Once we tuck them in, we’re on the couch with a bowl of popcorn watching a movie or TV show. And we always go to bed together. If PJ is tired but I’m not, we’re still in bed at the same time, but I am reading a book with a little book light so I don’t wake him. It works for us, so we don’t pivot from that setup.
Q: “Your favorite pair of sandals?”
A: We live in these sandals from April to September. PJ has this pair and I have these. Love that they’re coming back in style (though, did they ever really leave?).
10 LGBTQ+ movies coming out this fall, plus the trailer for Saltburn, starring Jacob Elordi, looks so good
How yummy does this pasta sound? Perfect for fall.
I’m very into English countryside design lately, and this Normandy manor house is like a fairytale come to life. Those gardens!
Have you heard about the “whom of which” trend?
Remember Kevin Gnappor from Mean Girls? The actor who played him, Rajiv Surendra has a successful YouTube channel where he gives you tips and tricks for your home. He just posted a new tour of his apartment and it’s magical.
Gisele Bündchen opened up to PEOPLE Magazine about quitting alcohol. “Right after I turned 40, actually, I felt a huge difference between when I had the glass of wine and when I didn't have the glass of wine,” she says. “It's socially accepted to have a glass of wine. And people even say, ‘Oh, it's healthy for you.’ Well, it is not healthy for me. If you want to ask of your body what I ask of my body, which is a lot, I can't be having all these things (alcohol, caffeine) because they add up.” She said she immediately felt different after giving it up. "I became more clear. I felt a bit more foggy before. Now I'm very sharp and very present and I notice things that I didn't notice before,” she says. “When I'm not drinking, I'm sleeping much better. You have to be loving to yourself. You ask a lot of your body, you’ve got to do a reset. You have got to take care of this only vehicle you got, right?”
The October Collection from J. Crew is so dreamy, and this rollneck sweater has my name written all over it.
The 49 best Halloween movies to watch this month
Thank you SO much for reading the first issue of Okay McKay! We are both so excited and can’t wait for you to see what else we have planned for this newsletter, including some very fun interviews with some familiar faces, like Sam and Jared and Toby Payne. Have a great weekend, loves!
xoxo, Thomas
I can't believe someone had the audacity to say that to you about you're weight. Navigating this world is so Damn difficult already without random strangers adding to your anxiety. Please don't let anyone make you feel less about yourself. Your both sooooooo inspirational regardless of what either of you look like.
Recently joined today and am happy I did! Your essay hits home with me. I grew up sickly and a kid and growing up my weight always fluctuated. However, now recently turned 30, it’s harder to lose the weight I’ve gained.
I was a swimmer and played lacrosse at university, but after I graduated I kinda of fell off the wagon, and finding a pool for whatever reason was hard.
Doing my best to get back to where I was. Here’s to sticking to it!