As Gay Parents, How Do We Protect Our Children From Being Made Fun Of By Other Kids?
Two different stories of how our sons were bullied for having two dads, and how the adults in each situation handled it.
Watch
Mean Girls & Where’s Wendy Williams & Damsel. We finally got around to watching Mean Girls, the new musical movie, and it was so much better than I think either of us thought it would be. The songs were all bops, the updates on some of the problematic words from the 2004 film were fun to pick out, and the talent was incredible. Still, I couldn’t help but feel this entire film was the Cliffs Notes version of the original film, with shortened scenes and dialogue that wasn’t delivered as well as the original. And while the performances were stellar, they weren’t nearly as good as all the actors from the original. Didn’t you think so? You can watch Mean Girls on Paramount+.
We also watched Where’s Wendy Williams on Lifetime and you guys, it’s rough. The whole time I kept thinking, we shouldn’t be watching this, along with, we shouldn’t be able to have access to this. Wendy is battling extremely serious conditions (Dementia and Aphasia) and she should be allowed to do that in private. Who is benefitting from this docuseries? Who is getting the money? Is Wendy being taken advantage of? It’s clear that she is not doing well, and after seeing her filled with so much life for so many years, it was hard to watch her in her current state. Still, it gives you an update on a beloved icon. We’re rooting for her. You can watch Where’s Wendy Williams on Lifetime, or like we did by purchasing it through Apple TV+.
Lastly, we watched the Netflix original film Damsel last night starring Millie Bobbi Brown, and it was so good! So good, as in, a totally enjoyable popcorn flick that you can plop down on the couch and stay entertained the entire time. It’s about a princess in Medieval times who is promised to marry a prince from another kingdom. Everything seems to be going okay, until right after the wedding when everything goes to hell and she spends the next hour and half fighting for her life. It’s thrilling, the performances are great, and it was thoroughly entertaining from beginning to end. You can watch Damsel on Netflix.
Read
100 Years Ago in Photos: A Look Back at 1924. What a fascinating article from The Atlantic. Sit back and enjoy as you browse through photos from 100 years ago and see what life was like in different parts of the world back then. The Atlantic says:
“A century ago, regular radio broadcasts were on the rise, and people began tuning in to entertainment and news from around the world. Paris hosted the 1924 Summer Olympics, advancements in aviation were being made on several fronts, automobiles were becoming more prevalent (and dangerous), and prohibition in the U.S. was still in full swing. Students were using tablets made of slate, and “computers” were human beings that operated calculating machines. Below are a handful of images of some of the events and sights around the world in the year 1924.”
Click here to read the whole thing.
Listen
Eternal Sunshine. Ariana Grande’s new album is finally here and it is so damn good. Have you listened yet? Every song tells a different story, though there are a few standouts to us: “Bye”, “True Story”, “We Can’t Be Friends (Wait For Your Love)”, and “Imperfect For You” are our favorites. I also like that she sounds different on this album. She’s changing the way she sings and enunciates and pronounces words, and I think she sounds more mature than ever on this record. It’s no Thank You, Next (my favorite album of hers), but it sure is a delicious listen from start to finish.
Hi everyone!
I know it’s been a minute since we popped into your inbox. We went to Disney World last week and got back super early Tuesday morning, so we took two weeks off from the newsletter, and it feels so good to be back!
Speaking of Disney, we had an absolute blast. It truly was the trip of a lifetime and one I don’t think any of us will ever forget. Disney invited us as part of their 2024 Creators Celebration, where we spent four fun-filled days at Walt Disney World, and then three incredible days onboard the Disney Wish cruise ship.
All of the creators we met on the trip were so sweet and so good to our children, and there were also a ton of other kids on the trips for ours to play with, so we all got some quality time to ourselves doing exactly what we wanted. How that was possible, at least on the ship, was the Oceaneer’s Club, which is the child watch on Disney ships where you can literally drop your kid off (they go down an enclosed slide to get to it) for as long as you want them there; it’s open until midnight. Our kids had so much fun that every time we came by to get them, they didn’t want to leave.
Speaking of the kids’ club, I shared this story on Instagram this past weekend, but I wanted to dive deeper into it, and give a contrasting story of another time one of our children was bullied for having two dads, and how the adults in both situations handled it (you can be the judge on which one was better).
One afternoon we swung by to get them so we could all get cleaned up for dinner, and we saw one of the cast members talking to our kids, before coming over and asking to speak with us. “Here we go,” we thought. I think we just assumed one of them had gotten into trouble and we were about to hear why. Only, that wasn’t what she ended up telling us.
Sarah walked towards us with a cautionary look on her face as she swallowed and calmly, confidently told us what happened. She explained how there was a little boy who was making fun of our son for being adopted by two dads, along with a few other words that were said. Riah, our son, told us later that he said “the F word” and also called him stupid. Taken aback, PJ asked Riah which F word the boy said to him, asking if Riah could spell. When he began to spell, “F, U, C…” we understood that it wasn’t the other F word.
Sarah apologized and said there was no room for that kind of behavior onboard and they do not accept discrimination of any kind. She then said she would be having a word with the parents of the other child and reassured us that, even though he was crying at the time of the bullying, our son was okay after she talked to him. This speaks volumes of Disney and how, even though they’re one of the biggest companies in the world, they have the unique position to still be personable, intimate, and caring with us. We felt Sarah’s words in our bones. She meant every one of them, and it was the exact thing someone in our situation would want to hear from someone in her position. To know she was sticking up for and supporting our son in a time when we couldn’t was so affirming and comforting. She was warm and friendly, and her inviting demeanor allowed us to feel safe in what was otherwise an upsetting moment.
We thanked her profusely and let her know how much her actions meant to us. Sometimes all it takes is one person sticking up for what is right to make the biggest difference, and that’s what Sarah did that day. I don’t know if she knows what an impact she made on us and our son, but what she did for our boy will stay with us forever.
When we picked the kids up and once we were away from the kids’ zone, we took Riah to the side and asked him about what happened, and as he told us, he began to cry. Seeing him in so much pain absolutely broke my heart, and I know PJ felt the same. He’s crying over us, I thought to myself. He’s crying because of something we can’t help about ourselves, something that we battled with for years when we were younger, something that we ourselves were picked on for. And all these years later, it’s trickling down to our son.
Why should he have to suffer for us simply existing? It’s unfair. Then again, if I am to listen to the advice we regularly give our kids, then I should know by now that life isn’t fair and it’s not supposed to be. But it still doesn’t sting any less.
We learned the next day that the kids picking on ours apologized and Riah accepted it. It was a shitty situation that was handled correctly and ended up okay. We let Riah know that, even though it hurt, it most likely won’t be the last time someone picks on him for having two dads. We always explain that every family looks different: some have two dads, some have two moms, some have only one of each, some have just a grandma or an uncle or a cousin. No family is the same, and that’s the beauty of them.
It reminded us of another time our other son was bullied at school, though it was handled very differently. Not necessarily bad, but definitely different. You can decide for yourself.
Here’s what happened:
We received a text message from a teacher saying that Allan was picked on by a classmate, a boy he thought was his friend, for having two dads.
When we received this message, I can’t explain how much I was fuming. I was furious. The thought of anyone picking on our kids for something that is so normal and natural in their day to day life absolutely wrecked me. And of all the kids for this to happen to, Allan is our oldest and, at the time, was the most likely to understand exactly why he was getting picked on, so we knew he wouldn’t be okay.
And he wasn't. He started crying and had a really hard time with it, looking sad and defeated when we picked him up from school that day. Wanting to hear what happened directly from him, we asked him if anything happened at school that he wanted to talk about. He said no, which might have been worse than saying yes. That told me he didn’t want to talk about it out of fear or embarrassment, which, again, broke my heart.
He eventually told us, and explained how a boy he thought was his friend made fun of him for having two dads. He was crushed. Allan is a lot more sensitive and, though we obviously wouldn’t want any of our kids to be picked on, we were especially weary that it was him.
The worst part? No one from the school contacted us. If it wasn’t for that one teacher (who wasn’t even his teacher), we never would have known to ask Allan, and based on his response when we asked him, he certainly wasn’t going to be the one to tell us.
We gave it a few days, thinking the school needed time to assess and handle the situation before calling us, but no phone call ever came. We were going to reach out to them, but in the end, we talked to Allan and explained everything, and he understood, and we learned his teacher did make the other boys apologize and she talked to all of them about how that wasn't right to say what he said. They also all went to the school counselor to talk it out, which we felt joy about.
So in the end, it did eventually end up being okay, and we all learned a lesson from it. I just wish there was better communication between the school and us (Real quick: let me be clear that their school has been nothing but accepting and welcoming to us, and we love our community there dearly).
It’s too much to expect to think we will know of every single incident where another child is picking on one of ours. Even though I’m a romantic at heart, I also like to think of myself as a realist, which means I know there will be many more times that all of us will encounter homophobia throughout our lives. I just hope our kids are okay through it all and remember where their hearts and our hearts lie.
If there is one thing we’ve learned, it’s that kids are resilient, and can handle so much more than adults give them credit for. Another thing we’ve learned? Kids will find a way to make fun of you for just about anything that makes you different, no matter if you have two dads or not. For me, growing up, it was that we didn’t have much money. There usually isn’t much strategy or thought behind the insult, it’s just quick and sharp; whatever they can think of in that moment that will hurt the most.
What we want to teach our kids is that bullying of any kind is unacceptable. And most likely, the children picking on our kids learned it from their own parents, so it’s a domino effect.
How can we protect our kids from being made fun of for having two dads? Well, I think that’s an ongoing question and a situation that we will have to handle every time it comes at us. What I do know, is that our kids are loved, and what our kids know, is that they are loved, and no one can change or take that away from them.
And they will try, over and over again, but when they do, we will all be ready.
New Vlog
In this week’s vlog, we surprise our kids with a trip to Disney World as part of their 2024 Creators Celebration. This vlog is all about day one of our trip, and acts as sort of a home movie, opening with us in 2019 talking about how we would love to bring our future kids to Disney World one day. Talk about a full circle moment!
Inspiration
I want our entire spring to feel like this photo, including dining at cute, chic cafes and wearing 90’s jeans with simple white tees. Via @gvnzttr. Follow his account for a ton of style inspiration.
Ask Us Anything
Q: What kind of kitchen cabinets are at Holiday House? Beautiful!
A: They’re custom white oak cabinets and they might be our most favorite ever. They’re the first time we’ve done stained cabinets in a kitchen, as we usually opt for painted, but since it’s at the farm, we knew this kitchen had to be able to take a beating, and painted just wouldn’t cut it. Our kitchen in town is showing so many signs of wear and tear, with paint chipping everywhere just from simple, every day use. We can’t wait to be in Holiday House and use this kitchen!
That’s all for this week, dear readers! Thank you, as always, for being here with us. Next week’s issue will be a juicy one, so be on the lookout for that on Tuesday. Have a good one!
xoxo,
PJ & Thomas
First of all, you guys are the only subscription that I have. I really enjoy your content. It’s so joyful and peaceful. So thanks for that!
As far as bullies go, they are a huge pet leave of mine. When my son was in middle school, he was bullied terribly. He was always the shortest in his grades. He has ADHD and he is high functioning Asperger’s. Every year kids would tell him he was annoying and short. That was as bad as it got until middle school. During that time, his dad (my husband at the time) came out and we were divorced. We were not a homophobic family and did the best we could when you have to separate homes. There was a group of kids that were relentless, but one in particular that would text my son and tell him awful things. He told him he was going to ma wind up gay like his dad and fat like his mom. My son is adopted so he was also teased about his “real mom” not wanting him. Eventually the kid started sending him messages that he should just kill himself and do everyone a favor. That was the day I went straight to the school, who could never do anything, and had the kid expelled. When I think about that kid, I know he was from a divorced home, dad was rarely around and a new stepdad was taking all mom’s time and was his new disciplinarian. He was obviously deflecting his own pain onto my son. But I had to protect my son and hope someone would help that boy. After years of counseling and plenty of psychiatric work, Ryan is a well adjusted 21 year old. But what if we as his parents hadn’t stood up for him? He had two other friends that committed suicide due to bullying. I know that it could have easily been my son too if I hadn’t paid attention.
My advice is that middle school is the worst. Keep the kids involved in activities with their peers. Keep them off social media and monitor texting when they get phones. Stay involved in their school lives and keep talking. Your keep and delete is the perfect time to start conversations. Kids are going to be ugly because they are missing something vital at home.
You are beautiful parents that model love and good morals to your kids. I think you will be able to handle whatever comes your way but don’t be afraid to get professional help when necessary.
I’m a little bit embarrassed to admit it, but I’ve never actually seen the original “Mean Girls” movie, but I have heard some of the songs from the Broadway musical on the SiriusXM station I listen to, and the ones I’ve heard have been pretty clever. I’m sorry to hear about Riah’s experience with a bully and kid and glad to hear that the people at Disney handled it so well. I’m not sure there is a way to avoid having something like that happen when there are still adults out there who I’m sure say terribly homophobic things in front of their kids. Plus, kids can be cruel anyway, but it does sound like your kids are, as you say, pretty resilient. It also seems clear that they love both of you and maybe for that reason take it more to heart. From what I can see, and admittedly, there’s a lot in your lives that none of us see, the two of you are handling these kinds of situations exactly right.