3 Wonderful Realizations I've Had On Aging and Other Thoughts On Getting Older

Because it's been on our minds lately. A lot.

Hi friends,

I want to begin today with some preface. I didn’t originally think I needed to, because I genuinely enjoy talking about whatever is on my mind at any given moment, but I realize now that talking about age specifically can be a sensitive topic for some.

When I told PJ what this week’s newsletter was about, aging and getting older, he had some pause. “People aren’t going to like that,” he said. And when I teased the upcoming issue on Facebook, indeed, it seemed a few balked at the topic.

“Aging!! Come on guys!! You’re both young guys!” and “I really love to watch you guys but this getting old thing is kinda crazy!!!” were some thoughts shared.

It seems discussing age strikes a nerve, and I have heard rules like “never ask a woman her age” my entire life. Why, though? Shouldn’t we celebrate our age no matter what stage of life we’re in? I see life as a gift, and every day we’re here on earth is a blessing. But I suppose the taboo discussion of age relates back to society’s view on getting older.

The Huff Post writes, “While many cultures celebrate the aging process and venerate their elders, in Western cultures -- where youth is fetishized and the elderly are commonly removed from the community and relegated to hospitals and nursing homes -- aging can become a shameful experience. Physical signs of human aging tend to be regarded with distaste, and aging is often depicted in a negative light in popular culture, if it is even depicted at all.”

I was on the phone with my mom last night, who is 67, and she said, “I still can’t believe you’re a father. Seeing you and Mallory (my best friend from high school) raise kids together is so much fun. It seems like just yesterday you were kids yourself.”

And so when I talk about aging, I am using it merely as a metric, a point in time. I am 32, but I am old enough to be a father and run a business, and I am no longer considered a kid, at least by my mom’s point of view. If I am considered “too young” to talk about aging or getting older, at what age does it become acceptable to discuss such matters? Because we always feel older than we did 10 years ago, don’t we? In our 30’s, we say, “Well, I’m not in my 20’s anymore” and in our 40’s, we say the same thing about our 30’s, and 50’s and so on. If you’re reading this right now, you are the oldest you have ever been, which is another way of saying you’re not as young as you used to be.

I am sharing my thoughts on getting older, which I am lucky enough to be doing, from my point of view, my perspective. Because that’s the thing: Even though growing older is a universal experience, it’s also such a singular one that looks different for everybody. We all do it, but it’s such a personal journey, one that we can change our outlook on daily. Today I am happy and grateful about getting older, because that means I get to see our children get older, too, and experience new things with PJ. At the same time, me getting older means my mom, PJ’s mom, PJ’s grandma, are getting older, too, and our time with them is more limited.

So there’s give and take with everything, isn’t there?

The idea of aging and getting older in general has been on both our minds so much last few months. I think it’s because I am suddenly more aware of what’s changing right in front of my eyes and how quickly that change is occurring, especially in the last few years. For example, we have kids now, which automatically makes you feel either younger or much, much older than you actually are. We’re still able to keep up with them as they run around the house, which I suppose is all you can really ask for when they’re this young, but there’s a perspective shift and an awareness that wasn’t there before we had much younger life in the house.

Growing up, my mom was always the oldest mother among my friend group. She was 35 when she had me, so by the time I was in high school, she was in her early 50’s. When I was a teenager, she also just seemed like she must have always been an adult to me, like there was never a world in which she was a young, spontaneous kid who disobeyed her parents or cheated on a test every now and then. Funny how perspectives change, isn’t it?

That’s not to say she wasn’t (and isn’t) fun, because she most definitely is the life of any party she goes to, but I always just viewed her as such a parent, with jobs and responsibilities and, I’m just going to say it: Lots and lots of gray hair.

That’s another reason aging has been on my mind a lot- the physical changes occurring. I am noticing so many more gray hairs on my head lately! (Side note: I just found out most Americans spell it “gray” and most Europeans spell it “grey”. Interesting!).

My mom had some gray in her 30’s, too, and for years chose not to color it and always received so many compliments on her black and gray curls. And I loved the gray on her! But I just don’t think I am ready for it yet. PJ always says he is excited to go gray, and like, yes, to be honest I am, too. But in 10 years. I don’t fancy going gray in my 30’s. But 40’s? Sign me up. PJ’s gray has started to come in more and more as well, and I think he looks so handsome with it.

So there are the physical changes of getting older that we’re both aware of, like the gray hair and the wrinkles under my eyes that seem to rapidly appear more and more every time I smile, and I am also finding it harder than ever to lose weight even when I’m working out 5 days a week, but there are also mental changes I’m noticing as well, and those are actually a lot more positive:

1. Despite my physical complaints, I have never been more comfortable with myself than I am now. I know who I am and who I’m not. I know what I am capable of and how far I can push myself. I know my strengths and my shortcomings and I accept them all the same. I couldn’t say that when I was younger and still trying to figure myself out, but with time and age, I have found myself, and I’ve come to realize a big part of that is because of my family.

2. Speaking of my family, since fostering and then adopting our children, I have had to grow up a lot, and in turn have taken on so much more responsibility than I ever had before, as one does when becoming a parent. In the beginning, when everything felt new and fresh and hard, I never thought I would be able to keep up with three new schedules and all the cooking and everything it takes to run a family and a business. But here we are, four years later later and we’re doing it. Every day. It’s still a lot and it’s still hard, but those fears of not being able to handle it are gone because, with time, I found I can do so much more than I ever thought I could. Becoming a father has changed me in just about every way, and I think (hope) it’ll just keep getting better and better.

3. I understand my relationship with PJ so much more than I did when we were younger. We argue so much less and, even when we don’t see eye to eye, it’s not the end of the world. I remember so many times when I was 19, 20, 21, and we would fight, it felt like everything was crumbling down and we would never be able to come back from XYZ argument. This was all in my head, of course, but now I know nothing is too big or small for us to overcome, and when we get into it (like we did last week while taking Halloween photos, actually!) it almost is always resolved before it even really begins. I think it just comes with age and knowing and loving someone for so long, you know what to expect and what you have to put into it to make it work and last this long. 13 years down the road and so much of the time it still feels like we’re just getting started.

So the mental changes are there and the physical ones, too, and I’m realizing as I’m writing this that I will happily take the gray hairs (a sign that I’m still here) and the wrinkles (from all the smiles) and everything that comes along with aging every single day if it means a longer life spent with PJ and our kids. I love our family and our life together and I sometimes dream about being a grandpa and all our kids bringing their own kids home to me and PJ for the holidays. We both talk all the time about how much fun it’s going to be to experience life with our children as they become adults and to see them navigate their own lives and families. I want to experience it all for as long as possible.

And I know that all of this is coming from a 32 year old, so it may not carry as much weight. Trust me, I know. I honestly don’t feel old yet, and to be honest, I don’t really think I know what I would even consider “old” these days, as my perspective has definitely shifted in the last few years. And also, please let it be known that I would never ever use the word “old” in a negative or derogatory way, because I believe it’s an honor and a privilege to age. May we all be so lucky to live until we’re 100! I’m just using it to distinguish a certain age demographic, the same way I do when I use the word “young”.

Because getting older has been on our minds so much lately, it feels like everything we see and watch and listen to reminds us of it.

We recently watched No Hard Feelings on Netflix (have you seen it?), where Jennifer Lawrence plays an “older” woman who is hired to date this couple’s 19 year old son to prepare him for college and open him up a little. The entire movie’s running joke is that she is much, much older than him, and it’s implied throughout that it’s borderline inappropriate (side note: we both kind of felt the same way while watching it, and know that if roles were reversed, it would have caught a lot more flack). The whole time I kept thinking: When did Jennifer Lawrence, the girl who made a name for herself for being such a talented actor at such a young age (remember when she won the Oscar at 22?), become the “older woman”? Also, she’s only a year older than me (33). It just kind of puts things into perspective when people who are your age are suddenly playing people in an “older” role.

Something else that’s been on my mind in regards to aging, is that “older people” today looks so much younger than I remember them looking when I was little. Do you know what I mean? Like this meme via here:

I feel like people used to carry themselves differently once they reached a certain age, like they just resigned themselves to being “old”, so they wore their hair a certain way, dressed a certain way, and behaved a certain way. I look at my mom now at 67 and can remember my Sitto, her mom, being that age and she always just acted so much older than my mom does now. Why is that?

Do we just think of getting older differently now? Are things like Botox and fillers and other cosmetic procedures so common now that anyone, if they truly wanted to, could look however they wanted? Or is it because now that I’m in my 30’s and a father, I think of age as just a number because I am old enough to?

I think it’s probably a combination of all of the above. I think we’re all, as a society, realizing that you don’t have to commit to a certain way of life once you’re passed a certain age now. This thread on Quora was fascinating to read and had many great points on why people in the 80’s and 90’s looked older than they actually were, and I wanted to highlight this response in particular:

“Just look at some of the photos of your parents or grandparents when they were your age. They look like they have mortgages, pensions, and prostate exams to worry about.

There's a scientific explanation for this phenomenon, and it's called retrospective aging. It's the idea that people from the past appear older to us because of the cultural and biological changes that have occurred over time.

Now, there's the obvious factor of lifestyle choices. People back then smoked more, drank more, ate more processed foods, and spent more time in the sun without sunscreen. All of these habits can accelerate the aging process and damage the skin, making people look older than they are. Nowadays, we have more awareness and access to healthier options, such as organic foods, SPF products, and anti-aging treatments. We also have more leisure time and less stress, which can help us stay young and fresh.

People in the 80s and 90s wore clothes, hairstyles, and makeup that were popular at the time, but may look outdated and unflattering to us now. We tend to view people from the past through our own lens of experience and expectations. We compare them to ourselves and our peers, who are influenced by different factors than they were. We also have a distorted perception of time and age. We think that people from 30 years ago are ancient, but they were actually not that much older than us. We forget that aging is a gradual and relative process, not a fixed and absolute one.”

How great is that last sentence?

Here’s another thread that also has some good opinions (and photos) on why young people of the past look so much older than today’s youth, with some people saying it has to do with fashion, makeup, hairstyle, and photography methods. So fascinating!! And if you want to dive in even more, Oldster Magazine, a Substack Featured Publication, takes a look at “the experience of getting older, and what that means at different junctures.” I’ve been reading a few articles from it this week and it’s very enlightening.

Lastly, I loved this off-the-cuff response from

Jessica DeFino

in regards to

Joanna Goddard

’s comment on not being able to “…tell anyone’s age on The Golden Bachelor. Every single person —  mom, daughter, dad, son — looks 46.”

To which Jessica responded with:

All in all, I am looking forward to getting older and aging. I have always felt like an “old soul” and I finally feel like I am the age I was on the inside when I was younger. I want nothing more in life than to grow older with my guy and our children.

Again, may we all be so lucky!

Thoughts? How do you feel about getting older? A blessing? Or something different entirely?

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Inspiration

via @latteoflovedesigns

via James Clear’s Instagram

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The Weekly Digest

The culture we digested this week

Watching: Lessons in Chemistry

When we finished this week’s episode of The Morning Show on Apple TV+, a trailer for Lessons in Chemistry immediately started playing afterwards. For weeks we had seen promos for it and finally decided to just start it. And reader, I am so glad we did. What an absolute delight of a show, and Brie Larson is fabulous in her starring role as Elizabeth Zott, a chemist who gets fired from her job and pivots her entire life before becoming the host of a cooking show, Supper at Six. It feels like a drama, but then it’s so subtly hilarious that it becomes a dramedy, and then it’s so damn charming that you think you might be watching a sort of romcom. It’s witty, smart, and such a joy to watch, and I highly recommend it. Plus, is there anything better than watching cooking scenes in a movie or TV show? I find them so relaxing! Here are some food styling secrets from the show, if you’re interested.

You can watch Lessons in Chemistry on Apple TV+.

Reading: Our Way Home: Reimagining an American Farmhouse

If you’re a fan of design books, you will love this one. It’s all about Ellsworth, a New England property purchased and renovated by Heide Hendricks and Rafe Churchill (of the architecture and interior design firm Hendricks Churchill) with a nineteenth-century farmhouse on it. The pair go room by room and show you how gorgeous, comfortable, and whimsical the house is, as well as exploring the beautiful gardens just outside. It’s the perfect coffee table book and we love getting design inspiration from it for Holiday House! You can get it here.

Listening to: Hollywood Gold Podcast with Nancy Meyers

This is a real treat for any Nancy Meyers fans out there. She was interviewed this week on the podcast Hollywood Gold all about the making of her beloved 2003 film, Something’s Gotta Give with Diane Keaton and Jack Nicholson. In the interview, Nancy reminisces about the initial challenges she faced when trying to sell the studios on a romantic comedy about “older” people (see! it’s everywhere!) falling in love, along with behind the scenes tidbits on which lines Jack Nicholson tried to change while filming, and how they just don't make these types of movies (with these types of A-list actors) anymore. Nancy Meyers is a huge inspiration to me and this was so incredibly fun to listen to.

(photo via here)

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Can I Ask You a Question…?

You asked, we’re answering

Q: How do you deal with burnout in a busy schedule?

A: Burnout is such a struggle sometimes, in any job especially when you’ve been doing it for a while. This is our 8th year “doing” social media, if you know what I mean, and now with the kids and the farm and the houses, it can easily feel like a lot. Last week, for example, was, no joke, the busiest week we’ve had all year. I started working at 7am when I got up and didn’t put the laptop down until around 8p that evening. It felt overwhelming and all-consuming. For me, I take it day by day, and I ask for help from whoever can and is willing to extend a hand. Sometimes, though, what truly helps, is taking a break and making time for yourself and knowing the burnout won’t last forever. But it does happen, usually a few times a year!

Q: How did you decide on who was taking who’s last name when you got married?

A: I wrote all about why I took PJ’s last name after we got married here!

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We received this hand-painted snowman plate in the mail from a sweet reader, Thomas Lawrence, who said he has these all over his house and wanted to send one to us. How cute is this?! It will forever be a part of our holiday decorations from now on. It’s proudly displayed on the hutch when you first walk in our home.

Thank you so much, (other) Thomas!!!

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From Around The Web

Links that caught our eye this week

The number 1 thing to say to a friend. Loved this so much.

A video tour of the 10 best college towns.

We’re releasing our 2023 Holiday Gift Guide next week, with something for everyone on your list. Here is last year’s gift guide, if you want to see.

How incredibly gorgeous and minimal is this stone farmhouse below?

Our new YouTube vlog is now live! We’re sharing how we spent Halloween and our son’s 7th birthday party on our farm.

I’m crushing real hard on this wool topcoat.

Why do all new cars look like this?

Blackbird Spyplane

investigates.

There are a million ways to say “I love you”. Loved this beautiful post by

Andrea Gibson

.

Have you ever heard of the site The Kid Should See This? It’s a “Webby award-winning collection of over 6,000 kid-friendly videos, curated for teachers and parents who want to share smarter, more meaningful media in the classroom and at home.” So cool!

Yum. How good does this creamy rigatoni pasta look?

Grammy nominations have been released!

The finalists for the 2023 Comedy Wildlife Photography Awards.

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Have a wonderful week, friends! xoxo