Things Straight People Never Have to Think About
10 little calculations many LGBTQ people make every day without even realizing it
Since it’s Pride Month, I thought it would be fun to have a theme to this month’s newsletters and have them all centered around being gay and all that comes along with it. Like I said in last week’s letter, I just really love being gay and I love celebrating this beautiful, strong, resilient community, and even though it’s technically Pride Month every month in our house, we’ll take one official month out of the year any day.
And since we’re on the subject, I’ve been thinking lately about how different being gay looks at 35 than it did at 15. Back then, being gay almost felt like a question mark. It was a secret then; something I was constantly trying to hide before anyone else figured it out first. Now, it feels more like a collection of ordinary, wonderful, beautiful things. School drop-offs, deciding what to watch on TV, texting PJ from the grocery store to ask if we need almond milk.
Pride, I’ve realized, doesn't always look like a parade or a rainbow flag hanging from a porch. In fact, most times it’s usually found in the everyday privilege of living a life you once weren’t sure you’d be allowed to live. And maybe that’s why I love this month so much. It’s a chance to celebrate not only how far we’ve come as a community, but also the small, everyday moments that generations before us fought to make possible. The moments that can feel so normal now, we almost forget they were once somebody else’s impossible dream in the first place.
If you’re up for it, please give this issue a little heart, because it would make our day and it also helps other people discover Okay McKay. Thanks, y’all!
SOOOO many of you recommended Playing the Palace as the perfect MM romance novel, and after pouring through the reviews, reading the synopsis online, and then going through your DMs after I mentioned it on Instagram, I am officially convinced. I added it to my cart! It feels like the perfect beach read, and since I loved Red, White, and Royal Blue so much, I think I’m going to love this book, too.
LGBTQIA+
Things Straight People Never Have to Think About
As gay men, we grew up instinctively hiding parts of ourselves from the world in fear of being made fun of, or worse, being harmed physically (and mentally/emotionally). We learned early on that people are cruel, and that they will use our biggest insecurities against us, turning what makes us different from others into something that should be attacked and ridiculed instead of celebrated and protected. We adapted. We changed. We conformed and we did what we could to fit in as to not draw too much attention to the very obvious truth that we were, in fact, different. We couldn’t help it.
And we still can't.
And I used to hate it. I hated it. I hated how much I had to make sure I didn’t move my hands around too much when I talked about something I was excited about.
I hated how much I had to make sure my voice didn’t sound like all those valley girls I heard on TV growing up because then I would sound like them and then people would know I was gay.
I hated how much I had to bury all the songs on my iPod that I really listened to, like Britney Spears and songs from broadway shows, and instead put artists like Flo Rida and Lil Wayne at the top of my playlists so that no one would be suspicious.
I hated how much I had to hide the fact that I loved drama movies and knew which actors had won all the Best Actress Oscars from 1995 to the present because what straight 17 year old boy knows that kind of thing?
Of course teenage boys feel all kinds of angst at those ages. Your body is changing and your hormones are raging and everything is awkward and weird. But when you have to literally calculate every single movement and thing you say so that you don’t come across one way, and so that you DO come across a completely different way, it’s exhausting and it’s taxing and it’s draining. It feels like you’re living two very different lives: the fake life you’re leading, and the life of the person you really are on the inside; the one no one else will ever get to see.
Now that we’ve come out and live happily open as gay men, we’ve toned down the amount of things we hide about ourselves from the world. Still, there are certain things we question from time to time, or stop and think about on a daily basis that straight people never have to. This isn’t a woe is me post, but more of an acknowledgment one. A we’ve-all-been-there type of post. Most of these we probably do without even thinking, like they’re all second nature to us now, just thousands of tiny thoughts, repeated over years, that shape how many LGBTQIA+ people move through the world. We’ve trained ourselves to be in a constant state of survival because we know what, in many cases, the alternative means for us.
Below, I’m sharing a list of 10 things we do as part of the LGBTQIA+ community that straight people never have to think about, and, if you’re up for it, I would love to hear from you of any that you’ve experienced, too.
Is it safe to hold hands here?
Walking down a street, into a restaurant, through an airport, or at a family event and subconsciously assessing the room first. Or even in a new place like a country or a town you’re visiting, it can be uncomfortable when you don’t know the politics or how safe you’ll be. When we visit big cities like LA or NYC where we know it’s more widely accepted, we love holding hands in the streets. It’s exhilarating and different and I get a rush. It’s funny how something that I see straight couples do every day still gives me jitters when I do it with my husband of 11 years.